Oomph. I have to say, it didn't feel like a very good ritual. I feel quite discouraged. Actually, I'll look at this in a more positive light - I very much see the need for regular ritual. That, and better ritual preparation. Memorization does go a long way - I hate reading from the page.

Uncertainties:

I found it difficult to write a ritual when I'm still trying to understand certain elements of it. I couldn't ground and center properly. It didn't feel right. I last tried to meditate last week and hit a brick wall - a feeling of a sense of impatience and anxiety. I've developped a very sore back within the last two weeks, from leaning too sharply forward in my kitchen chair at my laptop. It's better now than it was at first, but I'm feeling like an old woman. It was very uncomfortable sitting at my altar.

I felt really uncertain about opening the gates - what is it supposed to feel like? I'm so used to working within a circle, feeling the energy around me, creating my own space. I'm too used it. I want to be more adaptable. I liked Rev. Dangler's idea of using hand motions to open the gates, but I didn't feel it. Maybe in my tri-weekly rites I'll experiment with some different symbols.

I completely forgot my offering to the Gods, so I ran out to the kitchen - I was making an offering of my favourite liqueur and certainly didn't want to deny anyone.

I also forgot, my offering of silver for the gatekeeper. Usually, I have it on my altar and then give it to charity (for Samhain, I believe I donated it to the Island Willow Protogrove.) Raven, who serves as Druid at IWP, tosses the silver into the brush during ritual. That kind of bothers me.

On the plus-side:

I did adapt some aspects, God and Goddess invocations, a sun prayer, from my Wiccan ritual. They felt very comfortable within this new druidic framework. This reinforces my thoughts that once I memorize the words to ritual, I can move on from knowing them to feeling them.

Things to work on:

Invocations: Mine for the ancestors and nature spirits were good, but short. I'd like to write something a little more personal. I think everyone has a different sort of invocation 'style' - I've found most Wiccan writing too flowery, for example, and most Druidic writing too stoic, too long and explanatory. I need to find a point in between.

I really need a better closing statement of thanks. It was so brief, but the entire ritual felt like a constant, redundant string of praising and thanking.

Offerings:

I'm a little uncertain about my offerings, but I usually think it's the thought that counts. For the outdwellers, I mixed some spices - basil, oregano, savory. No specific significance, really. I believe basil keeps away bugs, but they're spices I enjoy when I make meat sauce.

To the Earth-Mother I gave Olive Oil. Now, I felt a bit stupid because I'm out of extra-virgin, so I had to use regular. I just can't afford it right now. I placed it in my oil burner, which made sense at the time. Now I feel like I should have placed it in the offering bowl that I would pour outside - onto the earth (or snow.)

To the Nature-Spirits I gave honey. It was a difficult choice. When I think of nature, I can't help but think "green!". At this time of year, when we already have 40 cm of snow on the ground, nature is a force to be reckoned with that isn't green at all. Honey is sweet and soothing. In the summer, such sweetness would attract bugs and bees and butterflies and animals. In the winter, I love using honey to soothe my throat. Maybe the spirits can be soothes by it too in these cold, harsh times.

For the ancestors I poured a nice, strong wine - one that made me go "Wow!" when I tried it. This feels perfectly right.

For the God and Goddess I called upon, I gave an offering of Amaretto Liqueur, a favourite of mine. Not really appropriate, since I was working with the archtypes of Lady of the Night Sky/Void/Womb/Dark Mother and Hunter/Wild One/Horned Man/Lord of the Underworld. I've enjoyed working with them many times. I usually use port in offering and communion, which I don't actually care for by they seem to have. I'll have to experiment with that too.

I asked them to bless a cup of chai tea and some gingerbread cookies I made, with the inspiration to change my life in the New Year and for their blessings. (Half way through the mug of tea, when it got lukewarm, I felt it was tasting like the pine fragrance oil I was using. Ugh. maybe I made a mistake and got some in the mug. Either way, I didn't like the smell of it and will not use it any more.)

Feelings

I was happy when I started the ritual - perfect timing, 4:00, just before the sun started setting. I finished the ritual in darkness, with the last candle to be kept lit until sunrise.

As it progressed, I became more uncertain and felt I was speeding too much. (I felt this at Samhain too - I should have reread that response before this rit to remind myself.) Towards the end, I tried to speak slowly - deliberately slowly, which did help. Next time, I'd like to sing more. Some ecstatic singing could be an effective addition.

I was kind of glad to have it over with, I'm ashamed to say. I felt so very tired after. My back hurt. I ate dinner, and fell asleep on the couch.

Omen

This is actually what I found the most interesting part of the ritual. I sort of expected a bad one, I didn't feel the ritual went well, it felt uncomfortable.

I used a tarot deck. I asked for the blessing of my food and drink by my God and Goddess of no-name, the watchful eye of the ancestors, and the literal and figurative support of the land.

I drew the 2 of Coins, The Chariot, and The Lovers. Here's my interpretation, given the variation of my deck from other standards:

The 2 of Coins shows a merchant coming towards land, the sea behind him. A ship sails at the horizon line, birds in the distance. With his feather cap and rich dressings, it's a positive card of movement, change and progression in the financial realm. This change leads to great new opportunities that can be fruitful if managed right.

I actually started a new job Monday at an established company. The pay is much better than I am accustomed, the work is much more agreeable. I have stopped attending University because it was so stressful. I take this a positive sign that things will go well.

I imagine that The Chariot follows along similar terms - it has always been a card that's difficult for me to interpret. Again, movement and change, but with an assertion of will, hard control of the self.

This could refer to my financial situation. My living costs are quite low, and I could actually be saving a lot of money with this job- I can live off of two-weeks worth of pay. This card is also a reminder that in order to succeed at my plans for the year - going to the gym, freelance writing , pursuing artistic passions - one needs a lot of drive and discipline.

Finally, The Lovers. What a wonderful card. I'm currently in a committed relationship. We live together. I'm in love with a great man and feel quite fortunate and happy that he's here for me. I'm so glad the holidays are here, so we can spend time with each others' families. I guess this means he'll be an anchor to my life in these changing times (me, working for a living and not wanting to be a student. I hardly recognise myself.)

So, that's another ritual recap. Please comment if you have any insights or suggestions.

I've never had a permanent altar before, I've always just reconstructed new ones for every sabbat or ritual I was doing, and take it down when I was finished. I don't like with my parents anymore and have more space for myself. I've erected a permanent altar in my bedroom.

[Photos to come!]

It's on a piece of furniture that serves as a table that doubles as a storage box. It's currently not being used for that, since I don't want to disturb the items on the altar in order to get things from the box. I intend to erect shelves within the next few months for my altar instead. 

I should specify that this is an ADF Druid's altar, so it doesn't have all the things

The focus point is currently a painting that was given to my boyfriend, painted by his grandmother. Thickly painted, it shows ocean water meeting the shore. Trees with red leaves grow from cliff-like land, with a lobely pale blue sky in the background. I enjoy it as a representation of the three realm and the role of the World Tree in uniting them.   

Too the back of the altar, I have an ornate box, a pine cone, and an incense  stick holder. They are all made of wood. The box is a new addition and not at all Druidic: it's for storing my Yule resolutions until Samhain. It carries some meaningful stones. I don't know if I'll be keeping it there. 

I have a small glass decanter with a plug, in which I keep the well waters - which I can ceremonially pour into the well representation. Next to it is a wineglass, a tarnished silver goblet holding salt, a blue oil burner with a few small bottles of oil for offerings (ccurrently: lavendar, pine, frankincense, 'Cernunnos', 'Persephone'.)

 Finally, at the very front, a small glass jar with grapes and cherry designs on it serves as my well. It is places on a beveled mirror, meant to hold candles. A shell is placed on the mirror.

 (I used to place the chalice on the mirror, and use the mirror in the place of the pentacle. I was working with a dark goddess whom I associate with the mysterious depths of the dark sky and sea - the mirror was to represent this, and reflect the blessings of the Goddess. It's still important, but I don't know how to fit this in my druidism.)

At front and center is a deep green offering bowl, and then to its right, three red votive candles in thick glass holders to serve as the sacred fire.

In the future, I plan to paint a new image for my altar (I have a few in mind.) I'm also looking for a white, unscented three-wick candle. I realise this may be hard to find, so maybe I can commission one.  

Yule, The Winter Solstice

Yule usually falls between December 21st and the 23rd, but should be astrologically calculated. The Winter Solstice is technically the longest night of the year, in which there are more hours of dark than of daylight. It is symbolically special, representing survival of the most difficult of nights knowing that things will improve. It is a positive celebration, welcoming the return of the sun and that the hours of daylight will be increasing! It is for this reason that I consider Yule to be the Neo-Pagan New Year, something to truly celebrate! It appropriately follows Samhain, the end of the year. The time in between is one of careful reflection upon ourselves, our lives and our future.

Yule is interesting in Montreal. The weather often fluctuates - in 2006, it didn't snow until January, yet this year in 2007 we've already received significant snowfall. Winter here is characteristically unpredictable, we might say. Personally, I find the sky takes on a specific shade of blue, a sort of rich ultramarine, that I've heard was special to Montreal. I will always associate this late-evening colour with Yule.

Origins

Yule is actually Germanic in origin, stemming from the word yol or yula that means 'feast' or 'wheel'. It was not a time celebrated by the Celts.

In Roman tradition, one would celebrate Saturnalia around this time, on December 17th. It was a large celebration devoted to the freeing of Saturn. Marked with giving gifts, especially candles to mark the growing light after solstice, it was a time of great celebration.

Traditions

Yuletide resolutions or 'Yule Blueprints' are an important part of my winter solstice ritual. With the coming of the sun and the promise of brighter days, resolutions are ways we can brighten our life. I feel it's very important to take control of the way we live and not just let things 'happen'. We choose to be happy, and these blueprints are a start. The time between now and Imbolc is one of planning. 

The Yule Log seems popular among solitary Neo-Pagans, though I'm not sure of the origins of it, especially that today people usually assume you're referring to a long cake. It's actually a real log that one would charge with protective, positive energies. You would start your fire in your fireplace with it, and keep it going all night until the sun rises. Given that many people don't have fireplaces today, it can also serve as a beautiful and symbolic candle-holder for an all-night vigil.

Performing a candle lit vigil is the act of witnessing the setting of the sun, and staying awake until it rises again. A candle would be kept lit throughout the night as a reminder of the Sun and its warmth. I enjoy this tradition, but find it immensely difficult.

Like many pagans - or not. I actually have no idea - I make resolutions at Yule, declared at the rising of the sun. At Samhain, I confront those from the year before, and let them go ceremonially. The time between Samhain and Yule is a 'dark' time of contemplation and meditation.

So far, these are my resolutions/plans/goals of the year to come:

* Continue going to the gym, but to do so more frequently. Twice a week at the least.

* Return to art, for I have forgotten its therapy. Finish those planned projects of mine:

- the floral works for the kitchen
- The Sedna IV boat scene
- Lilian in blue, done as a Klimt-esque portrait. Maybe mail it to her mum if it's good.
- Tree of Life abstraction
-Croppedcopy of Klimt's Tree of Life for altar

* Make a digital portfolio of my work, both online as website and on CD.

* Write regularly, and over come my hate in writing.

- Write articles blurbs on local art for submission to journals, newspapers, or an online blog for that purpose (as a 'portfolio' of writing.)
- Write articles from a reconstructionist perspective about Etruscan religion and culture.
- Write about pagan areas of interest for websites/magazines.

* Structure my life better, as I am more productive in that way.

* Enjoy working part time for a while, pursuing health and art pursuits vigorously at that time.

* Follow after a few months with full-time work - or two jobs - save $5000 by September.  Likely impossible, but  I'll figure that out later.

I also have in mind these spiritual goals:

* Build a permanent altar, which I've never had before, in my bedroom.

* Make daily devotions to the land, gods and ancestors a part of my life.

* Develop an Etruscan-focused witch craft.

Wow, what a list! But it does feel good to write it all out - gives me something to look forward to.

I am going to take this opportunity to just vent, get it out of my system and sort my brain out.

I'm quite unhappy with my situation. I'm working on my final papers and I absolutely despise it. I hate this writing. I'll have to spit out another 25 pages before the end of semester. I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I said last semester that if I felt this bad again, I shouldn't be in University.
As much as I love going to class, I abhor the final work. Working at a gallery, owning a gallery, writing freelance about art - none of this necessarily requires an education in Art History as much as knowledge and a distinct interest.

In bed last night, I couldn't sleep. 2 a.m., I'd had 5 hours of sleep, I was caught up thinking. Blessed are breathing techniques, I must say. I got started thinking of the things I wish I was doing now with my life.

• Painting and drawing. I have so many ideas. Could I sell work at fairs? Could I sell work on the internet? I would like to try.
• I want to write more about Paganism.
• I want to get further in my own archaeological studies, and write about the Etruscans for normal people, not scholars, from a re constructionist perspective.
• Furthermore, I want to get published. Sumbit works to contemporary art magazines like WhiteHot and Fuse. Submit to pagan magazines like Wyntergreene, SageWoman, The Beltane Papers etc. etc.
• I want to take better care of my physical health, keep fitness a part of my daily routine.
• Make spiritual devotions daily.
• Get my home the way I like it.

Most of all, if I'm in school, I want to feel like I'm succeeding and doing well. I understand it isn't supposed to be easy, but it shouldn't be giving me anxiety attacks either.

I'll be working p/t time next semester and studying p/t with one, maybe two classes.

I intend to drop University the following year, maybe explore some new subjects in CEGEP (which is an inexpensive collegial system here.) We'll see.